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Farewell and Goodbye

Science is dead.

 

I’ve been trying to figure out why I’ve been so upset and angry and sad and depressed over the last few weeks, more specifically, after my last project meeting with my supervisors. Well, last night, as I was planning a short catch up with a friend, I was “planning ahead” as to how to answer if she asked me how I was doing and why I was feeling that way. [I usually find that thinking about explaining things to someone actually helps me clarifiy and solve things actually.] I think I figured it out. Its because I have finally realised that science, is dead. And therefore, all my childhood dreams, aspirations, and ambitions have all been shattered, smashed and crushed to oblivion. I’m not sure if I should have used the words “dreams, aspirations, and ambitions”, but I don’t know what else to call them. In any case, they are all dead.Perhaps it was also me not wanting to admit the deaths that has brought me so much suffering.

 

Science has become… a commodity almost. People can buy and sell “knowledge” nowadays. It all starts with funding. Without funding, there is no “science”. You can’t do any experiments, can’t hire anyone, can’t pay for your school fees, can’t even get a lab bench or desk. The people and companies with the money control all the experiements nowadays. If you want to prove something, you fund some research. If you get what you want, you publish it, in your own journal (like some of the pharmaceutical companies have) if you want, and it instantly becomes “fact”. If the results of the research are not what you want, you bury it under copyright laws and ownership, which by the way is part of the contract they make you sign when you start the project off. Thus, the ones with the money control science and knowledge.

 

But what about government grants? Well, there is very VERY little of that nowadays, at least in most of the world. The grant application itself is so tedious and time consuming, that most professers and project leaders actually spend most of their time behind a desk writing these grant applications. They rarely, if ever, step into the lab anymore, let alone do any actual lab work. You see those people on the TV being interviewed about some breakthrough? Those are the grant writers. I don’t mean to make them sound useless and bad, I mean its only because of the grant money that they can hire the people that actually do the work. And they do.. advise of course. Significant intellectual input, as it is called, is obviously required in any project.

To get these grants, these reseachers or principal investigators (PI) will most likely promise you anything, and I mean ANYTHING, just to get the grant. You want the next cure for HIV/AIDS? Sure! Cure for cancer? Sure! Formula for becoming master of the universe? Sure! How long? 5 to 10 years. Always, 5 to 10 years.

And to maintain these grants, they will publish of course, any and all sorts of results. Even dodgy ones. In fact, mostly dodgy ones. Most scientific papers these days are full of bull. More than half, or perhaps all of them, of the protocols lack some details, so you can’t really reproduce the exact results. This is of course to impede your progress so that they will “stay ahead of the game” [the other thing that science seems to have turned into]. Oh and by the way, scientific journals don’t publish work that reproduces or replicates another’s work, so you don’t actually know if anything works until you try it yourself.

Most academics and reseachers these days work with the vision to achieve only what’s necessary for the next grant or funding application or publication. The worst or saddest thing is, they really do actually believe that they are doing the right thing.

 

Where has all the curiousity gone? What happened to studying something just because its interesting?What happened to having intuition and gut feelings? What happened to feeling anything in science?

We’re not allowed to have intuitions and gut feelings anymore. Everything you do needs to have solid empirical evidence before you do it. Albert Einstein once said “The only real valuable thing is intuition”… and “I believe in intuitions and inspirations … I sometimes FEEL that I am right. I do not KNOW that I am.” Goodness knows how many times I’ve been told that intuition or gut feelings don’t mean anything.

What happened to publishing or presenting findings simply to let others know what has been found? Why do we have to write in “scientific language”?

Science has increasingly become some sort of elite society where only the select few who speak the language and know the rituals can join up. Everyone else is suppose to remain ignorant I suppose?

What happened to being open-minded and thinking-out-of-the-box and being radical?

In the past, scientists were seen as eccentric and crazy and they thought the most fabulous ideas! and made the most fantastic discoveries! These days, step out of the “normal range” and they will cast you aside and ridicule you for thinking in other ways about the “established ‘facts’”. They act like they know things when they don’t.

 

Sigh.

 

I don’t want a renewal of science, a going back to what science used to be. Death is inevitable to everything. We shouldn’t try to bring back life to something that is dead, because it never really revives to what it was before, and it never really ends well again either. I think, we should move forward towards a new way of thinking and discovering. Science comes from the latin word scientia which means “knowledge”. That is what we need to gain back. The right to knowledge and the right to persue it and the right to let everyone know what new knowledge has been discovered.

The old science is gone. Death has come for it. But its seeds will carry on and become new forms of gaining, combining, and applying knowledge. A son is never exactly the same as his father, and a daughter is never exactly the same as her mother. That is why I say we shouldn’t try to revive the old, but we can nurture the young and new. I feel that there are people out there who think and feel this way. I just know it!

 

I don’t know what’s sadder, that the science I love is gone, or that I took so long to notice the death of science.

So with half a glass of wine in one hand (the other half is in my belly), cheers to Science, and thank you for everything. My passion and my love will hopefully linger on for your children. I will miss you, I will grieve you, I will think fondly of you and read and savour your history. My heart is already broken for you.

 

Farewell and goodbye my beloved.

Fate of Sad

The question today is, what happens to sadness?

Does it disappear? Do you overcome it? Move on from it? Push it aside?

 

It seems to never really disappear or go anywhere. Just sits there somewhere in you till you come across it again. Accepting it doesn’t seem to move it anywhere and doesn’t seem to move you away from it either. Its just… there.

Perhaps one day we’ll forget about it, for awhile at least… until one day we sit down and realise, its right there beside us again.  Always been there, maybe, always will be there… we just haven’t sat down on the bench for quite some time thats all.

 

Do we just… eventually learn to live with it rather than away from it? Does it grow? Morph? Mutate? Shrink? Die???

Awkward

Awkward awkward awkward….

Don’t really know what else to say but awkward.

No idea what the fuck happened but its just awkward now.

No use pretending its not, though it might be only me acknowledging this fact. Phessh…

Awkward.

The worse thing about awkwardness is that… its just awkward… its uncomfortable, not really irritating, not really annoying not really .. rage-inducing, its just… awkward and makes you think … What The Fuck???

Strange… hahahaha… very strange….

Singapore Elections

Its sad that George Yeo is gone. He was a good minister and has worked very very hard for Singapore. Unlike some other ministers or MPs, he was a good one.

Its very sad that he is gone while ministers and MPs like Vivian Balakrishnan, Mah Bow Tan, Wong Kang Seng, TIN PEI LING are there! How ridiculous is that?!?!

I am amazed that WP won Aljunied GRC and am really happy for them. Its not everyday that an opposition gets to oust 3 ministers in a single sitting. I only wish that the said ministers and MPs above would have gone in the place of George Yeo. [Check out this link and its comments]

Also, Chiam See Tong is retiring. Can’t believed that Wong Kang Seng won.

Half the time I’m wondering whether there’s something dodgy going on with the voting.

Its sad to see Mr Chiam retiring today as well. He’s been fantastic!

Its a happy, but sad day today.

Lets hope for a better future in Singapore in the next 5 years.

Grieving?

Let us start the grieving

With cries and howls

and strengthless praying

With fury and rage

and frustrated violence

With rudeness and touchy-ness

and empty glares

Let us start the grieving

By first

Accept that its gone

and its never coming back

just another rant

I am FUCKING sick and tired of people treating my shit as their shit.

Unless I explicitly tell you that it is, my shit IS NOT your shit and keep your fucking hands off it!! ALL of it!!

Fuck me man but what the fuck happened to respect and privacy and manners?!?!?!

 

Ok ok, so we can go into the whole philosophical discussion about how these things aren’t really mine to begin with and claiming ownership of something material will only lead me to suffering in the end and etc etc… and yes, I’ll admit that this is a perfect example of it.

I know that.. but seriously.. I couldn’t give a fuck about that right now.

Keep your fucking hands off my shit and stop treating it as if its yours!!!

What in the?!?!

So this was reported in the news today: Teens questioned over swan killing

First of all, its so disgusting what people do for fun these days. How can killing swans be fun?!?! People have too much time on their hands!!

In any case, what I’m wondering is, how is stealing the egg away from the father and not letting it go until its “big enough” going to help?? Would they take away a widower’s new born son to a foster family until the child is 18???

Of course not!

How is kidnapping this egg going to be better for the father after its lost its partner?? I don’t see how its better…

 

Pfffttt!! Humans.. for goodness sake man.. leave them alone!!

 

can’t tell

tired or scared?

once again i can’t tell

sick or scared?

again i can’t tell

scared sick?

Nah, i don’t think so

 

Feeling the non-feelings

feeling the feelings that don’t last

those that don’t make sense

those that i haven’t felt in ages

those that only last for that one.. not exactly short moment

no reason, no rationale, no nothing

why?

 

who knows man…

i know i don’t

Criminal society

How is it possible that our societies have evolved to a state where I can’t even open my curtains at night because “people can see in and plan their break-in”? How is it possible that I am now required to live my life in fear of others? That living in fear of others has become the norm?

 

Its interesting though that my anxiety disorder is labelled a disorder while paranoia about people breaking in is not considered a disorder. Its interesting that we are now more powerless against crooks and thieves than ever before. We seem so afraid of these hooligans that we lock ourselves up constantly; in our houses, in our cars, in our panic rooms and what not.

 

My brother cursed that we would get broken into when he goes away later next month so that I would know how much trauma I would get from having someone break in. What kind of a world do we live in?? How has the power shifted from the right to the wrong? Why should I be afraid of these arseholes? Because they can beat me up for no reason? And when they get caught, I’m apparently suppose to feel pity or sympathy for them because “they’re only human” and “its just a silly mistake”. How is this civilisation??

 

This is what is truly crazy. Being afraid and paranoia and giving in to these criminals instead of standing up and demanding action against them. To constantly feel afraid and scared even with the best protection systems that you can get. The constant “forward thinking” of how people plan to hurt you. And in the end where does all this fear lead to? ANGER. Constantly talking big about smashing people’s heads open, torturing them  and what not when they break in… bullshit man. Total gutless ball-less bullshit. I’m sick of hearing this shit from you all. This constant whining and whinging and egotistical pumped-up pseudo-bravado.

 

This is why I want to leave. This is why I want to be left alone by you people.

You make me cringe in disgust.

Fuck off man

Un-motivation

I wonder, is it strange that I seemed to have been more sure about what I wanted when I was a kid as opposed to now?

I knew that I wanted to be an inventor or a scientist. I knew that I wanted to study science and disease and medicine and the human body. And now what am I doing? Bacteria. Although, this was almost kind of forced upon me rather than of my choosing.

However, I would have thought that I had accepted this particular fate already, but perhaps, I was wrong. Or rather, perhaps I am wrong. I feel like I have no direction. What’s the point of me completing this PhD?  I can’t really find the motivation for it. Ok I get a doctorate and people call me doctor, which is really cool in itself, but what exactly is the point of it??

 

I don’t know, I’m confused really. . . academia seems… pointless these days . . .

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